I don't talk about my personal life a lot. It's not because any of that is secret. I don't keep secrets. Secrets must be maintained, and I am a maintainer of software. The contract here is really quite simple -> lies and secrets are too hard to keep up. In truth, the answer is much more mundane - I don't talk about it, because for the most part, I don't have one. I've always been . . . alone. So deeply, staggeringly, alone.
So from a young age I cottoned onto computers as a way to get out of the life I knew I'd be forced into if I didn't find something. Anything. The end result was a man with good intentions, great technical acumen, and nobody to share it with.
This is not a pity party. It's context. Because now I feel like it's important for me to start sharing some aspects of my personal life. At least the important ones. The ones that haunt the back of my mind during late-night profiling sessions. The ones that keep me coding until 5 or 5 AM most nights.
A couple years ago things got real bad for me, emotionally. I was on the brink. I met some people that tried to help me. I failed in my responsibilities to them, drastically. But I refuse to leave behind all the lessons they taught me, and the valuable experiences we shared together. They will inform everything I do in all the coming days. No cap, as it were.
I was never much for electronic music. Not that it's bad, just, not really my genre. But, so it was that an EDM festival marked the beginning of the end. I didn't want to go. I have real life things to attend to, and can't really afford to travel at the moment. We fought about it, because in the end, it felt like a distraction to me. I was tired of being alone. But that same force compelled me to go anyway.
I think I was right to be upset about the bad priorities. But as usual, I kept my mouth shut and went along for the ride. Because it was fun. Because I was doing it with someone I loved. Because I might not be alone forever, if I just don't complain. So I went with the flow and enjoyed every moment of the way there. The trip was to Miami. The destination was separation.
But we didn't know that, yet. We only knew we finally got to see each other again, and reveled in every moment. When she was there I could see beauty in every speck of dust in every outstretched mile in the horizon. Just like everything with her, the pulsing beat of the music was totally alien to me. But I learned to enjoy it, as with all the new experiences she gave me. The specifics of the music, or the scenario, never mattered. It was just that I got to do it with her.
Her laughter was the only sound I actually heard. She was the only thing I actually saw. Those moments when were driving together were actually my favorite, because it was the only time we ever really got to just sit and be alone with each other in a dull moment. Like a normal couple.
As the wheels rolled on I could see glimpses of the future when she thought I wasn't looking. I knew even then. But I tried to push it back and pretend it wasn't happening. What I wouldn't give to have that little shit hog my blanket for just one more night.
A couple days of cramped van sleeping, backaches, and endless driving, we finally arrived in... some corner of Florida? Some campground. Way out in the boonies, some swamp. Nice campground. Beautiful.
When we finally stopped I got the sensation that maybe everything actually will be okay.
The Florida sun is like nothing you've ever felt before. There's a certain combination of humidity and warmth in the state that is . . . Breathtakingly comfortable. Even the breeze feels better there than most places. I felt something coming. A change in the air. I just . . . didn't quite know the shape.
It's a lot more hollow than I thought it would be. But it's a familiar place to be. Just . . . better than before. In ways. But this was just the first day. As I said, I want to carry these experiences around with me forever, because they formed the backbone of a new perspective I now have on the world. A somewhat self-centered one, but, I choose to believe I finally just started caring about myself in ways I couldn't bring myself to before.
The days are alternating between getting longer and shorter. But they still pass. And the work keeps growing. And the story . . . Well, I look forward to sharing that next piece with you. But for now . . . Just enjoy the scenery, because it's all that's left.
